First

You’re my first romance
my first kiss and dance
You’re my first love
my first true I love you
You are my first heartbreak
my first moving on
my first the one that got away
You’re my first happy story
and sad story.
You’re my first history.

Everyone but Me

I look around
Looking at people
and how I see their lives

How I wish I was them

The girl with the beautiful hair
With slim arms and long neck
That girl wearing laces
and she still looked nice
The other girl with glowing skin
and holding a nice book

I look at these girls
I badly wanted to be them
To be everyone but myself

I look at people
and ask myself
why cant I be them

That girl with her boyfriend
wrapped around his arms
Or that girl sitting next to her guy
Look at each other, knowing
Even that girl waiting in line
suprised by a boy with flowers

Im so aware of them
of the existence of love
of self worth
So keen in observing
the world im in
yet so afraid
i dont belong in it

THE STORY OF WHEN TO GIVE UP

by Janina Marean

When They broke up, Everything was well.

They were back to being friends again. 

It's fine. If that's what he wants. 

was all she says. 

That's life. I hope she's happy now. 

was all he said. 

They stayed as friends. 

Shared triumph of every success. 

Asked favors like nothing happened. 

Tried not to argue once in a while. 

And refused to do the talk 

Of unresolved feelings. Of uncertain emotions. 

Talk of the real closure they never really had. 

The ending that they both deserve. 

When he started to move on. 

She was left alone. 

It seems like he got over the separation 

easier than she imagined. 

She thought she knew him well. 

He thought she clearly wouldn't care. 

They were ex-es that became friends again. 

It was a difficult label to handle. 

She didn't want anymore assumptions to grow. 

He didn't want to make a big deal out of it. 

So they started not to talk to each other. 

In her mind, she's trying to figure things out. 

Waiting for something to happen 

that she misunderstood as chances. 

Seeking for another reason to make her hold on. 

To make her want to stay. to not give up. 

In his mind, It was simple and clear. 

All was said and done. It didn't worked out. 

They were very much through. so long ago. 

He didn't mean to hurt her. He couldn't lie to her. 

He knew they had given up the day they broke up. 

When will she figure out that she was all wrong? 

When would she believe that it is the end? 

When will he understand that fake smile was for him? 

When would he realize that it was never easy? 

When do we stop finding excuses?

When is enough and too much? 

When to expect and not to expect? 

When to give up?

___

Poetry: During Tough Times

I remember writing this for some of my friends. that time, they were really lonely because of their recent break ups. Then our gang tries to comfort them by having a get together once in a while. We get drunk and be silly. i love my friends. i label them as may BFs for life. :) This was originally called "Authentic"


♥♥♥♥♥

During Tough Times
by Janina

They have said goodbyes
In several and sudden times
Uttered the most aching words
Left you miserable and lifeless
Broken, you call ourselves

All the gloomy things yo do
I'm willing to uphold too
I also bear the burden in you
You can cry if ou want to
And i'll shed tear with you

Each misery you do have
You know i'd like to listen
Every time you're troubled
I'd care for to witness
That's what real friends are for

Once your so called Love
Had bid their farewells
You'll find the gist of friendship
The essence of a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on

It is hard to be found
But worth searching for
Imperceptible yet unconditional
Unreadable but heartfelt
Unspoken yet authentic

Definitely, i want to see you again

Laughing and loving again
But you don't need to pretend
I really know how it feels
Even if you're bleeding, i know
You still want to be happy, somehow.

After the heartwarming mourn
I'm not giving up on you now
Just close your teary eyes
I'm about to hit you now,
Chuckle and mutter to your ears
"Hang on! I'll always be here."

♥♥♥♥♥

Poetry: What Matters

♥♥♥♥♥

What Matters
by Janina

when it comes to this guy
i don't really know if it's real or not
what matters, i guess.
is how he made me feel.

Regardless of the reason.
Whether it's a lie or it is true
What matters for me
is how he took effort
took chances
to make me feel loved.

Inside, i don't really know why
but it seems that
he's my devil in disguise

he makes me smile
yet he still made me cry
he taps my head when i'm sad
yet he still needs my help

but i wonder if it's real or not
did he pretended to love me?
what would he gain from it?
was that a fake confession?
again, what would he gain from it?
had he been bluffing when he said "mahal kita"

Beyond that.
Whether it is real or not.
At the end of the day.
even though love had ended for us.
years ago.
I wouldn't deny.

He made me feel loved.

♥♥♥♥♥

Poetry: Untitled

found this so-long-ago-poem i wrote. well, it speaks for itself. i can't elaborate more on how hard it was for me to get over past relationships but one thing is for sure: past is past. wheew. i'm so melodramatic. honestly, my experiences are my inspiration in everything that i do. in this case, in what i write. every time i write about moving on and failed relationship, i always - always - look back to THAT specific experience in my life, (for now). but it doesn't mean that i still have unresolved feeling towards the person involve, the pain i felt from it before is a nice piece of inspiration. (nagpapaliwanag? haha)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Untitled
by Janina

I wanna stop digging into the past
Remembering you along with the flash backs
Of my happy yesterday, our blissful memories

Because every time I do thought of you
Your graceful acts and bittersweet smiles
I usually feel guilty of my blunders
The regrettable feeling I can’t bear with
It makes me want to bury myself alive.
But, it just left me crying
The remorseful sentiment caused by
My reminiscing haunts and torments me.

I wasn't feeling bad for the memories
I’m wishing to feel again 

But I mostly feel worse for
Is all the chance I had that I just let go.

It was stupid to want him now.
When I hadn't done any thing
to make him stay before.
When I had all the chance.
When he was still mine.

My frailty betrayed me.
I was too weak to fight for our love
Too weak to even fight for him
But if I’m courage enough to beg and plead
- Not to fight –
Would it be worth the try?
But what if I’m strong and firm enough
To battle for my genuine love for him,
Would it be a trashy – worthless effort to grapple?
On the weak echo of his confuse love?

It’s too late now.
To ask about the how-it-might-have-beens
I reminded myself so that I won’t hope for answers
That would hurt and burden me more.
Those unspoken and imperceptible words
Is what I wanted to keep with me,
Of every single day of my weaken life.

I’d lie to myself when I said
“I’ll be happy of whatever makes you happy,
No matter what it cost me”
It was a pathetic move to calm myself
From denial of my brittleness
I would be pretending again
That I am happy with a smile.
My giggles and sunny grin never failed me.
It kept behind the cryptic sorrow
Planted deeply and permanently in me.

Does my letting go made him happy?
It should be. If it doesn't,
What would be the sense of
damnation to my faults?
The gist of being noble?
And the pretentious smile I’d tried to bear,
If he’ll just be hurt.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Poetry: Seventeen

I wrote this way way back when i was still in first year highschool. What? being heartbroken is totally underrated. haha. I consider this as one of the first few poem i wrote back then.

♥♥♥♥♥
SEVENTEEN
by Janina Marean

It was my lucky day
but the days passed with nothing
that made my lucky day, worst.

It actually gave glow in my heart
but it slowly fade away
that eventually gave me pain

It was the reason of my smiles
but it was given to her
that became the reason behind my tears

It serves as our loving memory
but it was taken from me
that made it our hateful past

It once made me thankful
but what is done is done
that often made me regretful

that thankful - grateful yesterday
became a remorseful tomorrow
♥♥♥♥♥

Poetry: Again

♥♥♥♥♥

Again
by Janina

I did it again, run after you again.
hoping you'll look back, but you never did.
It does hurt, with the same intense as before

with the glimpse of you and her
walking away, leaving, together.
is this forever?

I just want to break free
from your strong hold over my heart.
from our memories that faded long ago.

I don't know what makes me hold on
knowing that our promise of forever
wasn't meant to last

what makes me fall all over again,
what brings me back to
that first skip of heartbeat.
each and every time you're here

what makes me stay
even you're nowhere to be found
what makes me say, "again"

♥♥♥♥♥

Poetry: Prinsesa

when i was in High School, i remember writing this for a close friend. Take note, we were 16 back then. haha! Torpe sya at ubod ng bagal sa pangliligaw dun sa type niyang girl. :) so i wrote this poem inspired by his puppy love. i love taking inspiration from real stories. well, we were young and in love nung High School kaming magkakaibigan. at may pag ka makata talaga ako noon. :D
♥♥♥♥♥
Prinsesa
by Janina

Ngiti mo ay kakaiba,
Mapupungay mong mga mata
at mukha mong kay ganda
Di ko na nalimot ng makita

Tanging alay ay pag-ibig
Para sayo aking giliw
sana ay iyo nang mapansin
Kahit tila di ko 'to maamin

Di masabing mahal kita
Dahil ako'y natotorpe talaga
Hindi ko maaming gusto ka
Dahil tila wala nang saysay pa

Ngayong ako'y matapang na
handa nang ipaglaban ka
ngunit ngayon pa nawala
ang gaya mong prinsesa

Nagsisi sa pagtatago
sa hiyang pinairal ko
Di na sana hinayaan
itong pag tanging laan
♥♥♥♥♥

so long ago

These phrases are from my old black notebook, entries date ranges from 2006-2009.

before, it was never easy for me to ignore the gap.

it wasn't enough to just say "hello".
because i wanted a "how are you?".

but now, it's effortless not to think of you..
for me to bear it all and just be happy..
i can leave without your love now.

but never without you..

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

"i'd been broken beyond repair."

"true love was forever lost
my prince was never coming back."

"Forbidden to remember,
terrified to forget"

"it was a hard line to walk"

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ 

we're better this way..
i can be anyone for you..
as long as you still want me near.,
I'll stay. =)
nothing more than that..
even i had realized that it's not you anymore..
i won't stop doing this for you..
crazy??..

so sick of hating you..=|