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Poetry: What Matters

♥♥♥♥♥
What Matters
by Janina

when it comes to this guy
i don't really know if it's real or not
what matters, i guess.
is how he made me feel.

Regardless of the reason.
Whether it's a lie or it is true
What matters for me
is how he took effort
took chances
to make me feel loved.

Inside, i don't really know why
but it seems that
he's my devil in disguise

he makes me smile
yet he still made me cry
he taps my head when i'm sad
yet he still needs my help

but i wonder if it's real or not
did he pretended to love me?
what would he gain from it?
was that a fake confession?
again, what would he gain from it?
had he been bluffing when he said "mahal kita"

Beyond that.
Whether it is real or not.
At the end of the day.
even though love had ended for us.
years ago.
I wouldn't deny.

He made me feel loved.

♥♥♥♥♥

Good Newsss

today's actually the Philippine's Independence Day and not that it connects to the occasion today, i've received a lot of good news and some ump! moments happened. it's just so amazing. honestly, lately i feel like my bursting and overflowing inspiration and dreams are starting to fade. it has been over 2 months after my graduation but i'm still not up for the job hunting phase of my life, most likely, because i'm trying to manage our house since my father just left for work and now stays at Saudi. my brother and mother are also working.and i still have a younger brother who is really my concern at the moment. My intention for now is to help pacify things here at home. like household chores, Regi's needs and other stuff. it's like i'm in the middle of trying to look for a job (mainly because i must) and trying not to book a job. it was a damn hard line to walk. well, today my agam-agam became bigger but i'm glad about it. :)

so the good news ei.
  • Received a call from an office looking for a Digital Marketing Assistant (as far as i could remember) well, they wanted to know if i'm up for an interview which is to be scheduled. Well, one crazy thing about this call, is the office i'm talking about is my own Alma Mater where in fact i never submitted an application. I was surprised with the call yet happy to have received such offer. 
  • While watching a late TV Series i was also arranging some files. or might as well, some eme eme literature i made. then a commercial pops out, calling aspiring writers to join a free script writing seminar which application can be done on line. yes, im planning on submitting. :]
  • and some other more personal good news. :D
  • and those ump! moments i said earlier that i couldn't elaborate more. lol.
i'm still trying to figure things out. Honestly, I'm afraid to commit mistakes. so im taking it slowly but surely. I'm not as tough as others think of me. I have this crazy thoughts going on and on everyday. but as long as i know that there's my family and friends who support me no matter how bummer i am makes me move forward each freaking day. :D

Thank you Lord! (• ε •)

Undying love for Kare Kano

here are some of the favorite/memorable quotes from early chapters of the manga. :) posted: March 2010 from my old facebook account.



this are loving and heart pounding lines from the most romantic..
and funny anime love story ever told.. =]
there are so many but i only got few.. =))
i just love arima and miyasawa..
i envy how true and honest their love is.. =)



if there are meetings, then there are also partings too..

a single day in high-school is far more precious than a month is in adulthood..

i just had insults added to injuries...

Laughter, anger worries love friendship competitiveness growth and degeneration:
all these emotions are packed within the doors of a classroom...

if a can't take care of this then i won't succeed in the real world..

i feel relaxed and feel so good...
the shape of the person i love, his weight, his warmth..
it fills my whole body with happiness...
i don't need anything else,
i never knew there were such serenity...13

just the smell of him makes me completely helpless.=17.1

i suddenly feel incomplete when he's not around..=17.1

you're supposed to lose your emotional balance when you fall inlove..
you've met someone who makes you lose your emotional balance that's why they call it stealing your heart.. =maho.17.1

Love is strange, in your heart it has no shape or no weight..
you can't measure it's size or dept.. no one has ever actually seen it..
but it aches without a doubt..

in the end, i like it the best when i'm with you..17





a brand new emotion bloomed with in me.. it spread all through out me..
and took over my body..
his love is so strong, i can't even breath.. is this even possible??
i've fallen in love all over again with the same person..17

i won't let you go.. i don't care if you avoid me or hate me..
how long do you think i waited for you to notice me?!! don't you get it?!
i don't care how you feel about me, i have absolutely no intention of letting you go..17

im sorry i scared you.. i didn't mean to..
i didn't wanna touched you because i'm too embarrassed,
i didn't wanna look you in the eyes because i didn't know what i might do..
when i first saw you yesterday, i realized that i was even more in love with you..
my hearts starts pounding when i'm near you..17

a very precious person says that i'm very precious to her.. that's enough for me..18

this eyes, hands, lips, everything..exist only to experience you.. 18



our bodies haven't touch yet but our souls are definitely touching..18

her light brown hair, her gorgeous eyes, her sweet lips, her thin neck
her warm and soft body..18

we don't have many moments happy as this..so i won't forget..
no matter how much time passes or how much we aged..
i'll remember..

"i won't let you go.. i don't care if you avoid me or hate me.. how long do you think i waited for you to notice me?!! don't you get it?! i don't care how you feel about me, i have absolutely no intention of letting you go.." episode17. =)we don't have many moments happy as this..so i won't forget.. no matter how much time passes or how much we aged.. i'll remember..

♥ ♥ ♥

Poetry: Untitled

found this so-long-ago-poem i wrote. well, it speaks for itself. i can't elaborate more on how hard it was for me to get over past relationships but one thing is for sure: past is past. wheew. i'm so melodramatic. honestly, my experiences are my inspiration in everything that i do. in this case, in what i write. every time i write about moving on and failed relationship, i always - always - look back to THAT specific experience in my life, (for now). but it doesn't mean that i still have unresolved feeling towards the person involve, the pain i felt from it before is a nice piece of inspiration. (nagpapaliwanag? haha)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Untitled
by Janina

I wanna stop digging into the past
Remembering you along with the flash backs
Of my happy yesterday, our blissful memories

Because every time I do thought of you
Your graceful acts and bittersweet smiles
I usually feel guilty of my blunders
The regrettable feeling I can’t bear with
It makes me want to bury myself alive.
But, it just left me crying
The remorseful sentiment caused by
My reminiscing haunts and torments me.

I wasn't feeling bad for the memories
I’m wishing to feel again 

But I mostly feel worse for
Is all the chance I had that I just let go.

It was stupid to want him now.
When I hadn't done any thing
to make him stay before.
When I had all the chance.
When he was still mine.

My frailty betrayed me.
I was too weak to fight for our love
Too weak to even fight for him
But if I’m courage enough to beg and plead
- Not to fight –
Would it be worth the try?
But what if I’m strong and firm enough
To battle for my genuine love for him,
Would it be a trashy – worthless effort to grapple?
On the weak echo of his confuse love?

It’s too late now.
To ask about the how-it-might-have-beens
I reminded myself so that I won’t hope for answers
That would hurt and burden me more.
Those unspoken and imperceptible words
Is what I wanted to keep with me,
Of every single day of my weaken life.

I’d lie to myself when I said
“I’ll be happy of whatever makes you happy,
No matter what it cost me”
It was a pathetic move to calm myself
From denial of my brittleness
I would be pretending again
That I am happy with a smile.
My giggles and sunny grin never failed me.
It kept behind the cryptic sorrow
Planted deeply and permanently in me.

Does my letting go made him happy?
It should be. If it doesn't,
What would be the sense of
damnation to my faults?
The gist of being noble?
And the pretentious smile I’d tried to bear,
If he’ll just be hurt.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Highschool and all.

I got this note entry from my old facebook account and now that i'm rereading all this is what inspires me to write a blog about our friendship and all. POSTED:  March 22 2010

my MATCHLESS and INSANE friends.
haha. (can't find enough words to describe them.)


i love them for who they are...


*erratically SWEET..(haha.)



*peace loving.. ♥



*playful and extreme.??



*adventurous!! =)



*daring.. (and charming na din)



*generous..(anu, alak pa??!)



*obedient? and honest??



*talented!! haha.. (try nio sumayaw sa bus!)

we never need to pretend.
my friendship with them is unchangeable by time.
(haha. sweet.) priceless.


well, it all started here:



most especially here:



♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

i miss you all.lab lab you guys..
(get ready for summer vacation!! haha!!)

Essay: Media Ethics Finals

This is my MC 110 Media Ethics essay submitted to our prof. We were asked if what do we want in the future now that we've seen the real deal of media or what are the plans we have in mind for the upcoming encounter with reality.This is really One of my favorite essays i've written. 5% edited and improved. posted it because someday i'd like to read it again. :)

Life isn't a matter of chance but a matter of choice.
            There are a lot of reasons why we choose to take AB Mass Communication. Some would say it's because they want to be a famous reporter or a talent, others say it’s easier (or rather they thought it was easier), some would say it's because of their passion and most certainly, more than once in my college life, I’ve heard others said that it was because it doesn’t involve math. My reason, most honest reason? I thought it was cheaper and also the fact that I wasn’t able to reach a particular quota in the Engineering field (yes, I do love math). Well, that’s life. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, to find out later that we wanted not to have them – we just didn’t know yet.

            I’m not saying that I do not like mass com. It was my second choice and I choose to make the best out of it. So when class started, I eventually learned to love mass com more and more each time. I discover skills I never thought I had. Dreams I never knew I had. The passion I never felt I had.

             So as our internship starts, I’ve witnessed the real deal of mass com or media per se. I’ve work with the people in IBC and DZRB, both in news department. I was honestly amazed and rewarded for I have work with different types of people, learned a lot of things and I’ve grabbed as many opportunities I could to get to know more about the nature of our work. Our experiences during OJT, it may be how hard it is to go to work every morning, how tiring it is to use the stairs, how cold the offices are – even those small things we deal with each day. And those huge too – the chance to go rub elbows with other reporters at Camp Krame, to assist in radio production, to go on air, to write for them and to actually be with those people. These experiences will equip and prepare us of what we have to face after college. It is not only the skill but also the value of working, the passion and love for work.

           I have realize the glamour and the privilege of being a media but also, i realize how it could be bias and how your moral and principles will be set aside for the call of duty. I've seen how tough this work could be, may be not to its extent yet. Now that we’re 4th year, we've learned, experienced, seen and understood a lot about what we’re doing. People wish us to make good and wise decisions regarding our career. People hope that our idealistic idea of changing the so-called “system” in the industry won’t disappear and also, they hope that that “system” won’t eat us when we get the chance to encounter them.

            Yes, I am willing to face the pros and cons, the ups and downs, the spontaneous yet hazardous life of media. Not because I want to make a big change, not because I want to help the poor or not even because of the money and fame. It’s because all of those hard and risky situations I must face each day at work are going to be the bullet I could use for a shot to my dream job. There might be times that I must put my principles aside for what is needed, a time where I could curse people for being mean or even times I might give up. But as I’ve said, life is a matter of choice. If people think I’m not good enough, I may choose to give up and cry under my blanket but most probably my choice would just ignore them, let it go and do what I had to do. if there comes a time that I didn’t do great at work and I’ll get scolded by my boss, I can choose to quit my job and just depend on my brother’s support but most certainly, as I know myself, my choice would be to apologize and try my best each time. See, I believe and also fear that being in the media industry is hard but I won’t let it hinder me. It can scare the hell out of me but it won’t stop me to live the life I want.

            Getting back to what I really want, I don’t dream or aim to be a news anchor or chief editor. It’s not that I’m being choosy or being coward. I just want to make my passion also my work. But I know I can’t just be there and have the job I want in a blink of an eye. Rather, I’m willing to work as a production assistant, technical staff, writer, or reporter. I need to go on with the process. I don’t want, or can’t, skip a step. So if after graduation my first job will be in a news room, where I couldn’t picture myself doing, then maybe I needed that experience. May be, i need those experiences to be able to achieve what i want to be.

            That is what’s great about mass communication; it is not just a straight and well-instructed road we must take. It’s a twisted and never ending path where we can take a walk, run or drive or rest for a while.

            To be very frank, I want to be on the artistic and creative side of media and not on the courageous and adventurous news media. I want to write to people’s heart, mind and soul. And to make it more ambitious, I want to be a motion picture director. It may sound so dreamy but I want to touch people’s lives through movies I write and direct. I may have to eat more grain of rice to get to this but I want to remind you that when someday you’re sitting at home and a movie roll on the screen that says “Screenplay by” or “based on the novel written by” or “written and directed by” and then my name shows up. Then you must know that I’m living my dream life. Who knows, This may happen. right?

            But at the back of my mind i have a "Back-up" dream, if ever i didn't become a writer and all, i would really want to teach. I don't know yet what kind of teacher i want to be, but what interest me in teaching is the gist of learning from younger generation and them learning from my generation. I've been in love with wisdom since i was young, so imparting what i've learn and learning at the same time is such a great venue for my passion.

            There are a lot of things that are not certain, they say that only change is constant in this world. So I may change my dream job, I may love the industry of news and public affairs, or I may want to be a lawyer, or a teacher. but whatever happens, I’ll always choose to be happy.

The Introduce-Yourself Part


Hi there. i really don't know why i made a new blog. >.<
so let's start by introducing the "writer". lol.

I'm Janina Marean and sadly i'm 21 but i feel like my soul stop aging when i reached 16. I'm very young at heart. haha! I talk a lot. especially when i'm with my super close friends. i enjoy having juicy and smart conversation with people. i'm a very opinionated yet open-minded type of person. I always have a say on everything and i think that annoys a lot of people haha. but i've always believe that those people who loves us, they understand.

and to make this entry simple and easy, here's a list of what my LIKES are really all about. :)
So, in terms of my interest. one thing is for sure: it always change.
  • Movies. films that i love are mostly chick flicks but now i'm starting to fancy tear-jerking dramas and biography films. and strangely i'm such a fan of Classic Romance stories like Jane Austen's creation.
  • Books. i love to read love stories and romantic novels. but still loves to read fictional book like Harry Potter. I've always like reading fairy tales when i was a kid but until now, i'm still a fan of princesses and happly ever afters.
  • TV Series. I specifically adore HIMYM, Nikita, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl and a lot more. you know why i love them!! :D
  • Korean/Asian Dramas. Yep i'm a die hard fan of FULL HOUSE. well, i was young and in love with all this pretty korean faces. so. there.
  • Shoujo Anime/Manga. Otaku. I've always love reading mangas and watching anime. it sounds corny in my age but honestly, i never get tired of it. It's hilarious, romantic and hell of a drama too. you'll be amaze how stories in mangas are like.
  • Art. I'm in love with art. who's not? We may have different perception towards what's art and what's not. so i wont try to convince you with what art do i love. it's just. just. when i see it. feel it. it's art. we just know. makes sense?
  • Bands. In terms of music, i also have specific bands that i love. All Time Low is the one that i love most. mostest. or in whatever highest form. haha. to make it clear and what so ever. in music, i usually prefer acoustic rock, pop rock or just like in art, what gets to my heart -- that's it. :)
  • and a lot more...
This is it for now. ♥

Poetry: Seventeen

I wrote this way way back when i was still in first year highschool. What? being heartbroken is totally underrated. haha. I consider this as one of the first few poem i wrote back then.

♥♥♥♥♥
SEVENTEEN
by Janina Marean

It was my lucky day
but the days passed with nothing
that made my lucky day, worst.

It actually gave glow in my heart
but it slowly fade away
that eventually gave me pain

It was the reason of my smiles
but it was given to her
that became the reason behind my tears

It serves as our loving memory
but it was taken from me
that made it our hateful past

It once made me thankful
but what is done is done
that often made me regretful

that thankful - grateful yesterday
became a remorseful tomorrow
♥♥♥♥♥

Poetry: Again

♥♥♥♥♥
Again
by Janina

I did it again, run after you again.
hoping you'll look back, but you never did.
It does hurt, with the same intense as before

with the glimpse of you and her
walking away, leaving, together.
is this forever?

I just want to break free
from your strong hold over my heart.
from our memories that faded long ago.

I don't know what makes me hold on
knowing that our promise of forever
wasn't meant to last

what makes me fall all over again,
what brings me back to
that first skip of heartbeat.
each and every time you're here

what makes me stay
even you're nowhere to be found
what makes me say, "again"


♥♥♥♥♥

One Gloomy Night

April 03, 2012

i really don't feel great tonight.

My mind and heart is so full. full of crap, worries, paranoia and anxiety. what makes it worse is that i really don't get it. Why do i feel this way? what makes me worry this much. what makes me feel this way? i don’t know if i am sad, or am i anxious or may be overwhelmed. or might as well, scared. but what i really hope is that whatever this feeling is, hoped it was something specific, definite. but no, it has to be this difficult to understand. it would be easier to think that I’m just sad because of graduation and stuff. but it's more than that. i just know.

really, i don't know if it's just me, or the fact that i've not taken bath for days. or because i miss my friends, or is it because i was afraid of the future. of career and responsibility. or is it because even i have this awesome friends it doesn't actually wave away the solitude i fear to feel. that even though i have this lovely friends, i still feel unwanted. still feel insecure. still feel alone. or maybe because of too much suicidal movies, or this Japanese goth movie titled "confessions" that made me realize how easy to lose life. how easy for others to kill, even kill themselves. all we need is drama. or maybe these books of Paulo Coelho. in his "Veronika Decides to die", he made me realize that life's been a routine. and we must hate it. that life is more or less about living it in a crazier and not safe way. that really, life always has its flaw. also in his book "Devil and Miss Prym" , which made me realize that being good is always mistaken as pretentious and trying to live life in a safe path. that even in this book, they see that sticking to what is familiar is being coward. which i guess, makes me coward too. to think of it, there's so many things to be frustrated about. to be lonely of.

but tonight, i feel this clog in my chest again. i feel nauseous and tears starts to fall. i'm scared to go to dreamland.. i fear that when i go to sleep, there's a chance that all this uneasy feelings will reflect to my dreams. thinking that i have to bear with all this anxiety that makes me nauseous during my sleep makes me scared even more.

Lately, i've been feeling all this. i don't know why. and now, i'm afraid.