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THE STORY OF WHEN TO GIVE UP

by Janina Marean

When They broke up, Everything was well.
They were back to being friends again. 

It's fine. If that's what he wants. 
was all she says. 
That's life. I hope she's happy now. 
was all he said. 

They stayed as friends. 
Shared triumph of every success. 
Asked favors like nothing happened. 
Tried not to argue once in a while. 
And refused to do the talk 

Of unresolved feelings. Of uncertain emotions. 
Talk of the real closure they never really had. 
The ending that they both deserve. 

When he started to move on. 
She was left alone. 
It seems like he got over the separation 
easier than she imagined. 

She thought she knew him well. 
He thought she clearly wouldn't care. 
They were ex-es that became friends again. 
It was a difficult label to handle. 

She didn't want anymore assumptions to grow. 
He didn't want to make a big deal out of it. 
So they started not to talk to each other. 

In her mind, she's trying to figure things out. 
Waiting for something to happen 
that she misunderstood as chances. 
Seeking for another reason to make her hold on. 
To make her want to stay. to not give up. 

In his mind, It was simple and clear. 
All was said and done. It didn't worked out. 
They were very much through. so long ago. 
He didn't mean to hurt her. He couldn't lie to her. 
He knew they had given up the day they broke up. 

When will she figure out that she was all wrong? 
When would she believe that it is the end? 

When will he understand that fake smile was for him? 
When would he realize that it was never easy? 

When do we stop finding excuses?
When is enough and too much? 
When to expect and not to expect? 
When to give up?

___

Pagbasa at Pagsulat

March 10 2012

Ngayong gabi, binasa ko ang mga sulat niya para sakin noon. Tapos ito uli ako. ung Janinang iyakin, Janinang kinikilig na sa “LUV U”, Janinang gusto uli maramdaman ung magmahal ng sobra at hindi takot masaktan.

Pakiramdam ko bata uli ung puso ko. Parang ayoko ding maubos ‘tong tinta ng ball pen kong maganda, natatakot akong mapagod ‘tong kamay ko sa pag sulat, na baka mangalay ako sa pwesto ko, na baka antukin ako habang sinusulat ko to.

Naisip kong basahin ang so-called “memories” namin hinde dahil gusto kong bumalik sya, hindi din dahil na mimiss ko sya, hindi ito dahil sa kung anu mang unresolve feelings na meron ako. gusto ko lang balikan, malaman kung bakit mahalaga tong mga to sakin ng sobra.

Mag isa ako ngayong gabi, dito sa dorm, sa double deck. at mahaba ang listahan ko ng mga dapat gawin. Bukas pag gising ko babalik na uli ako sa reyalidad. haharap sa mga tao, mabubuhay para sa kung ano ang meron ngayon at hindi ano ang nakaraan o hinaharap. Living the present, living now.

Pero ngayong gabi, magmumuni muni muna uli ako. Screw my to-do list. i’m doing myself a favor by letting my mind rest and my heart float. kaya habang naka play ang Theraphy, Remembering Sunday, Day dream away at iba pang slow song ng pinaka mamahal kong All Time Low. ung When we were young, Back to the start at kung ano pang mala-heart broken na kanta ng The Summer Set. Sama mo pa ung Baby Blue Eyes, Mr. Right, Like we used at mga heart felt na kanta ng A Rocket to the Moon. habang na ka on ang playlist kong yan, susulat ako. magrereminisce ako. makikipag reconcile sa first inspiration ko. reunite with my first romance. sa lahat ng first ko nung una akong kinilig. nung unang beses ako naging emo. nung kagaya dati na super madrama pa ko dahil sa LOVE. Alam mo kung anong pinaka magandang part nung mga un? ung part na natutong magsalita ung puso ko. kasi nung nainlove ako. naka buo ako ng tula, ng kanta at kung ano ano. dahil nung na in love ako, natuto akong sumulat, makipag usap gamit ang magandang tinta ng ballpen ko.

Dahil sa pag basa ko ng sulat niya, naka alala ako. naalala ko ‘to. :)

Poetry: During Tough Times


I remember writing this for some of my friends. that time, they were really lonely because of their recent break ups. Then our gang tries to comfort them by having a get together once in a while. We get drunk and be silly. i love my friends. i label them as may BFs for life. :) This was originally called "Authentic"


♥♥♥♥♥

During Tough Times
by Janina

They have said goodbyes
In several and sudden times
Uttered the most aching words
Left you miserable and lifeless
Broken, you call ourselves

All the gloomy things yo do
I'm willing to uphold too
I also bear the burden in you
You can cry if ou want to
And i'll shed tear with you

Each misery you do have
You know i'd like to listen
Every time you're troubled
I'd care for to witness
That's what real friends are for

Once your so called Love
Had bid their farewells
You'll find the gist of friendship
The essence of a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on

It is hard to be found
But worth searching for
Imperceptible yet unconditional
Unreadable but heartfelt

Unspoken yet authentic

Definitely, i want to see you again

Laughing and loving again
But you don't need to pretend
I really know how it feels
Even if you're bleeding, i know
You still want to be happy, somehow.

After the heartwarming mourn
I'm not giving up on you now
Just close your teary eyes
I'm about to hit you now,
Chuckle and mutter to your ears
"Hang on! I'll always be here."


♥♥♥♥♥

Nicholas Sparks Fandom

This is an note entry from my old facebook account dated March 26 2010
i don't care if some people think it's corny.
it's what i like. ♥
First, i was so dazzled by "a walk to remember". yeah, i know its so old,
but i just can't get over it. haha!! i love to watch it over and over again.

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Loves is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It dose not take offense and is not resentful. Love take no pleasure in others people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes." 


"Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?
Jamie: Because he's too busy looking for your brain." 

"Landon: I might kiss you
Jamie: I might be bad at it
Landon: That's not possible" 

Now i'm taken by his book: The Last Song. (thanks to pawla.)
few chapters to come to finish it. ♥ (last 4 chapters i guess.)

"I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?" 

"He stared at her, knowing with certainty that he was falling in love. He pulled her close and kissed her beneath a blanket of stars, wondering how on earth he'd been lucky enough to find her." 

“I’m not being funny. I’m being serious.” 

“Oh, because we’re so good-looking" 

May be after the last song, i'd be reading "The Notebook"
i haven't seen the movie, but i know how great it is.
so i got curious. =)

"You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. I treasure each side, just as I have treasured our life together."

"We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it." 

and now, i wonder...
what's next.. ♥



to update this blog: 
now, I've actually read all 3 of them and also watched their movie versions and to add to my Nicholas-Sparks-fangirling I've also watched "Nights in Rodante" and "Dear John". and soon i'll love to watch his "Lucky One"

  

Film: The Butterfly Effect 2004


 
"The Butterfly Effect" is a drama thriller film which title refers to a chaos theory that says that even something small could make a huge effect. Starring Ashton Kutcher as Evan Treborn and Logan Lerman as the 7 years old Evan.
The story of this film revolve in the special mental ability of Evan Treborn to get back to the past. I would honestly say that this is one of the best Science Fiction film i've seen. and the 3 men who act as Evan Treborn was really great.
first, Evan didn't know the ability he has. He thought that it was just like the blackouts his father had. His dad was in a mental institution because of this said blackouts. Evan though used this special gift to make his friends and love ones lives better. He reads this journal to get back in time where he had this blackouts. then later in the story he'll discover that he can use other medium to get back in the past.
every time he change something in the past the future changes too. i love how each scene compliments each other. its like a puzzle movie then suddenly it was not. it was full of different stories. there were scenes that are disturbing. but this thriller film was more of a psychological and mental suspense film. i was like so into the movie i couldn't get my eyes of the screen.

They say that this film have alternative endings. i love the ending where after everything, they meet again and finally Evan could start a new normal life with the person she saved and always loved.
here are nice quotes from the film:
  • Dr. Redfield: Just think of your mind as a movie, you can pause, rewind or slow down any details you want.
  • Jason Treborn: you can't play God, son.
  • Evan: you were once happy... with me.

Poetry: What Matters

♥♥♥♥♥
What Matters
by Janina

when it comes to this guy
i don't really know if it's real or not
what matters, i guess.
is how he made me feel.

Regardless of the reason.
Whether it's a lie or it is true
What matters for me
is how he took effort
took chances
to make me feel loved.

Inside, i don't really know why
but it seems that
he's my devil in disguise

he makes me smile
yet he still made me cry
he taps my head when i'm sad
yet he still needs my help

but i wonder if it's real or not
did he pretended to love me?
what would he gain from it?
was that a fake confession?
again, what would he gain from it?
had he been bluffing when he said "mahal kita"

Beyond that.
Whether it is real or not.
At the end of the day.
even though love had ended for us.
years ago.
I wouldn't deny.

He made me feel loved.

♥♥♥♥♥

Good Newsss

today's actually the Philippine's Independence Day and not that it connects to the occasion today, i've received a lot of good news and some ump! moments happened. it's just so amazing. honestly, lately i feel like my bursting and overflowing inspiration and dreams are starting to fade. it has been over 2 months after my graduation but i'm still not up for the job hunting phase of my life, most likely, because i'm trying to manage our house since my father just left for work and now stays at Saudi. my brother and mother are also working.and i still have a younger brother who is really my concern at the moment. My intention for now is to help pacify things here at home. like household chores, Regi's needs and other stuff. it's like i'm in the middle of trying to look for a job (mainly because i must) and trying not to book a job. it was a damn hard line to walk. well, today my agam-agam became bigger but i'm glad about it. :)

so the good news ei.
  • Received a call from an office looking for a Digital Marketing Assistant (as far as i could remember) well, they wanted to know if i'm up for an interview which is to be scheduled. Well, one crazy thing about this call, is the office i'm talking about is my own Alma Mater where in fact i never submitted an application. I was surprised with the call yet happy to have received such offer. 
  • While watching a late TV Series i was also arranging some files. or might as well, some eme eme literature i made. then a commercial pops out, calling aspiring writers to join a free script writing seminar which application can be done on line. yes, im planning on submitting. :]
  • and some other more personal good news. :D
  • and those ump! moments i said earlier that i couldn't elaborate more. lol.
i'm still trying to figure things out. Honestly, I'm afraid to commit mistakes. so im taking it slowly but surely. I'm not as tough as others think of me. I have this crazy thoughts going on and on everyday. but as long as i know that there's my family and friends who support me no matter how bummer i am makes me move forward each freaking day. :D

Thank you Lord! (• ε •)

Undying love for Kare Kano

here are some of the favorite/memorable quotes from early chapters of the manga. :) posted: March 2010 from my old facebook account.



this are loving and heart pounding lines from the most romantic..
and funny anime love story ever told.. =]
there are so many but i only got few.. =))
i just love arima and miyasawa..
i envy how true and honest their love is.. =)



if there are meetings, then there are also partings too..

a single day in high-school is far more precious than a month is in adulthood..

i just had insults added to injuries...

Laughter, anger worries love friendship competitiveness growth and degeneration:
all these emotions are packed within the doors of a classroom...

if a can't take care of this then i won't succeed in the real world..

i feel relaxed and feel so good...
the shape of the person i love, his weight, his warmth..
it fills my whole body with happiness...
i don't need anything else,
i never knew there were such serenity...13

just the smell of him makes me completely helpless.=17.1

i suddenly feel incomplete when he's not around..=17.1

you're supposed to lose your emotional balance when you fall inlove..
you've met someone who makes you lose your emotional balance that's why they call it stealing your heart.. =maho.17.1

Love is strange, in your heart it has no shape or no weight..
you can't measure it's size or dept.. no one has ever actually seen it..
but it aches without a doubt..

in the end, i like it the best when i'm with you..17





a brand new emotion bloomed with in me.. it spread all through out me..
and took over my body..
his love is so strong, i can't even breath.. is this even possible??
i've fallen in love all over again with the same person..17

i won't let you go.. i don't care if you avoid me or hate me..
how long do you think i waited for you to notice me?!! don't you get it?!
i don't care how you feel about me, i have absolutely no intention of letting you go..17

im sorry i scared you.. i didn't mean to..
i didn't wanna touched you because i'm too embarrassed,
i didn't wanna look you in the eyes because i didn't know what i might do..
when i first saw you yesterday, i realized that i was even more in love with you..
my hearts starts pounding when i'm near you..17

a very precious person says that i'm very precious to her.. that's enough for me..18

this eyes, hands, lips, everything..exist only to experience you.. 18



our bodies haven't touch yet but our souls are definitely touching..18

her light brown hair, her gorgeous eyes, her sweet lips, her thin neck
her warm and soft body..18

we don't have many moments happy as this..so i won't forget..
no matter how much time passes or how much we aged..
i'll remember..

"i won't let you go.. i don't care if you avoid me or hate me.. how long do you think i waited for you to notice me?!! don't you get it?! i don't care how you feel about me, i have absolutely no intention of letting you go.." episode17. =)we don't have many moments happy as this..so i won't forget.. no matter how much time passes or how much we aged.. i'll remember..

♥ ♥ ♥

Poetry: Untitled

found this so-long-ago-poem i wrote. well, it speaks for itself. i can't elaborate more on how hard it was for me to get over past relationships but one thing is for sure: past is past. wheew. i'm so melodramatic. honestly, my experiences are my inspiration in everything that i do. in this case, in what i write. every time i write about moving on and failed relationship, i always - always - look back to THAT specific experience in my life, (for now). but it doesn't mean that i still have unresolved feeling towards the person involve, the pain i felt from it before is a nice piece of inspiration. (nagpapaliwanag? haha)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Untitled
by Janina

I wanna stop digging into the past
Remembering you along with the flash backs
Of my happy yesterday, our blissful memories

Because every time I do thought of you
Your graceful acts and bittersweet smiles
I usually feel guilty of my blunders
The regrettable feeling I can’t bear with
It makes me want to bury myself alive.
But, it just left me crying
The remorseful sentiment caused by
My reminiscing haunts and torments me.

I wasn't feeling bad for the memories
I’m wishing to feel again 

But I mostly feel worse for
Is all the chance I had that I just let go.

It was stupid to want him now.
When I hadn't done any thing
to make him stay before.
When I had all the chance.
When he was still mine.

My frailty betrayed me.
I was too weak to fight for our love
Too weak to even fight for him
But if I’m courage enough to beg and plead
- Not to fight –
Would it be worth the try?
But what if I’m strong and firm enough
To battle for my genuine love for him,
Would it be a trashy – worthless effort to grapple?
On the weak echo of his confuse love?

It’s too late now.
To ask about the how-it-might-have-beens
I reminded myself so that I won’t hope for answers
That would hurt and burden me more.
Those unspoken and imperceptible words
Is what I wanted to keep with me,
Of every single day of my weaken life.

I’d lie to myself when I said
“I’ll be happy of whatever makes you happy,
No matter what it cost me”
It was a pathetic move to calm myself
From denial of my brittleness
I would be pretending again
That I am happy with a smile.
My giggles and sunny grin never failed me.
It kept behind the cryptic sorrow
Planted deeply and permanently in me.

Does my letting go made him happy?
It should be. If it doesn't,
What would be the sense of
damnation to my faults?
The gist of being noble?
And the pretentious smile I’d tried to bear,
If he’ll just be hurt.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Highschool and all.

I got this note entry from my old facebook account and now that i'm rereading all this is what inspires me to write a blog about our friendship and all. POSTED:  March 22 2010

my MATCHLESS and INSANE friends.
haha. (can't find enough words to describe them.)


i love them for who they are...


*erratically SWEET..(haha.)



*peace loving.. ♥



*playful and extreme.??



*adventurous!! =)



*daring.. (and charming na din)



*generous..(anu, alak pa??!)



*obedient? and honest??



*talented!! haha.. (try nio sumayaw sa bus!)

we never need to pretend.
my friendship with them is unchangeable by time.
(haha. sweet.) priceless.


well, it all started here:



most especially here:



♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

i miss you all.lab lab you guys..
(get ready for summer vacation!! haha!!)