April 03, 2012
i really don't feel great tonight.
My mind and heart is so full. full of crap, worries, paranoia and anxiety. what makes it worse is that i really don't get it. Why do i feel this way? what makes me worry this much. what makes me feel this way? i don’t know if i am sad, or am i anxious or may be overwhelmed. or might as well, scared. but what i really hope is that whatever this feeling is, hoped it was something specific, definite. but no, it has to be this difficult to understand. it would be easier to think that I’m just sad because of graduation and stuff. but it's more than that. i just know.
really, i don't know if it's just me, or the fact that i've not taken bath for days. or because i miss my friends, or is it because i was afraid of the future. of career and responsibility. or is it because even i have this awesome friends it doesn't actually wave away the solitude i fear to feel. that even though i have this lovely friends, i still feel unwanted. still feel insecure. still feel alone. or maybe because of too much suicidal movies, or this Japanese goth movie titled "confessions" that made me realize how easy to lose life. how easy for others to kill, even kill themselves. all we need is drama. or maybe these books of Paulo Coelho. in his "Veronika Decides to die", he made me realize that life's been a routine. and we must hate it. that life is more or less about living it in a crazier and not safe way. that really, life always has its flaw. also in his book "Devil and Miss Prym" , which made me realize that being good is always mistaken as pretentious and trying to live life in a safe path. that even in this book, they see that sticking to what is familiar is being coward. which i guess, makes me coward too. to think of it, there's so many things to be frustrated about. to be lonely of.
but tonight, i feel this clog in my chest again. i feel nauseous and tears starts to fall. i'm scared to go to dreamland.. i fear that when i go to sleep, there's a chance that all this uneasy feelings will reflect to my dreams. thinking that i have to bear with all this anxiety that makes me nauseous during my sleep makes me scared even more.
Lately, i've been feeling all this. i don't know why. and now, i'm afraid.