Poetry: Untitled

found this so-long-ago-poem i wrote. well, it speaks for itself. i can't elaborate more on how hard it was for me to get over past relationships but one thing is for sure: past is past. wheew. i'm so melodramatic. honestly, my experiences are my inspiration in everything that i do. in this case, in what i write. every time i write about moving on and failed relationship, i always - always - look back to THAT specific experience in my life, (for now). but it doesn't mean that i still have unresolved feeling towards the person involve, the pain i felt from it before is a nice piece of inspiration. (nagpapaliwanag? haha)

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Untitled
by Janina

I wanna stop digging into the past
Remembering you along with the flash backs
Of my happy yesterday, our blissful memories

Because every time I do thought of you
Your graceful acts and bittersweet smiles
I usually feel guilty of my blunders
The regrettable feeling I can’t bear with
It makes me want to bury myself alive.
But, it just left me crying
The remorseful sentiment caused by
My reminiscing haunts and torments me.

I wasn't feeling bad for the memories
I’m wishing to feel again 

But I mostly feel worse for
Is all the chance I had that I just let go.

It was stupid to want him now.
When I hadn't done any thing
to make him stay before.
When I had all the chance.
When he was still mine.

My frailty betrayed me.
I was too weak to fight for our love
Too weak to even fight for him
But if I’m courage enough to beg and plead
- Not to fight –
Would it be worth the try?
But what if I’m strong and firm enough
To battle for my genuine love for him,
Would it be a trashy – worthless effort to grapple?
On the weak echo of his confuse love?

It’s too late now.
To ask about the how-it-might-have-beens
I reminded myself so that I won’t hope for answers
That would hurt and burden me more.
Those unspoken and imperceptible words
Is what I wanted to keep with me,
Of every single day of my weaken life.

I’d lie to myself when I said
“I’ll be happy of whatever makes you happy,
No matter what it cost me”
It was a pathetic move to calm myself
From denial of my brittleness
I would be pretending again
That I am happy with a smile.
My giggles and sunny grin never failed me.
It kept behind the cryptic sorrow
Planted deeply and permanently in me.

Does my letting go made him happy?
It should be. If it doesn't,
What would be the sense of
damnation to my faults?
The gist of being noble?
And the pretentious smile I’d tried to bear,
If he’ll just be hurt.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥